By John Ditmars

In the corrections field it is easy for one to become cynical when you see a daily onslaught of human debris. Rather than become cynical, I choose to look at the humor of just how stupid most criminals are and after working in a jail setting I have comprised a list of what not to do when you are in jail awaiting trial and what not to do when you are on trial. These are more or less things I would like to say to people in the jail, but of course I can't.

1. When you are on trial for Capital Murder do not take the stand in your own defense. You do not have the intellectual capability to go against a seasoned prosecutor. The more you talk, make excuses, and lie will only make jurors roll their eyes in disbelief and lead to a faster deliberation and your conviction. Also, do not hold a tissue and pretend to be wiping tears away from your eyes. Especially when there are no tears. (Courtesy of Ronald O'Bryan 1975)

2. Do not plead not guilty and then admit you killed someone. This only leads the jury to believe in your guilt and that you are a blithering idiot who is insulting their intellegence. (Courtesy of Colton Pitonyak 2007) By the way, if a woman is involved in the crime, don't blame her as it only angers the women on your jury and makes you appear as a spinless, wimp, coward.

3. If you are facing charges for car-jacking a woman don't call the victim from the phones in the jail and threaten to kill her. All of your conversations are recorded and you will soon receive one more charge for Terrorist Threat.

4. Do not write letters to family and friends outlining the details of how you murdered someone and then leave the envelope unsealed. One of the deputies who is bored, just might read your letter and send it on to the prosecutor. Then you are really screwed. (This recently happened with yours truly)

5. While in jail and you just happen to be watching the local news on TV and you hear that a cop has been shot, do not stand up and cheer as yours truly will write an informational report detailing your behavior and this will be brought out during the punishment phase of your trial.

Until next time, everyone have a great week.

John

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